So it appears that I have been slacking..again...with the thankfulness challenge.  I wish I could come up with a good "reason," then I realize it's just an excuse.  Last night we did get in late after spending the evening with our small group for dinner and an event at church.  So late that all three of us ended up crawling into bed within minutes of walking through the door, but it's an excuse.

20 - Thankful for screaming fits that turn into a happy child playing.  Just opening Little Man's toybox brings joy to his face.  Thankful that my baby sister, Auntie Em, made the toybox for him.

21 - I am so thankful that we are part of a church that is so missional in focus, and not just worldwide.  They understand and realize that our own backyards are mission fields, and encourage us to also view them that way.  They challenge us to go out and be "on mission" at home, at work, in our neighborhoods and communitites.

Today I am thankful for bath nights because for just a short time Little Man and I have some time together, when nothing else seems to matter.  Tonight I realized how much he has grown in the past year, and how much he will continue to grow, and it is time to really cherish the moments when he still depends on me to keep him safe.

Giving Thanks

Every year I have the intention of doing the ever so trendy "What I'm thankful for today" posts, and every year I forget.  Here I am, 18 days into November, a week and a half out from Thanksgiving, and just sitting down to start thinking about it.  With all the craziness of school lately, and with how down I've been about it, it's been very hard for me to actually sit and identify some of the things I am thankful for, but here goes nothing.

1 - Being able to go out to lunch with Paul.  Being a teacher I have so few opportunities to have lunch with anyone other than my department members, having a lunch date is wonderful
2 - Having the money to buy groceries, without having to worry about whether or not we would have enough to eat for the week
3 - Serving as part of the Medical Team at church, and NOT having to respond to any emergencies
4 - A Monday when I wasn't observed.
5 - Walking by the side of Paul through life for the last 9 years, sharing the adventure of marriage for the last 2

Flowers Paul gave me for our anniversary

6 - A little boy who seems to be growing up so fast, and wanting to be so independent.

Little Man drawing all by himself

7 - An amazing small group to meet with every week and dive into Scripture, and share the trials and triumphs of life with
8 - A mother-in-law willing to watch Little Man for the weekend so Paul and I could get away for our anniversay
9 - Spending the day with just Paul, and not worrying about James...and an amazing date night dinner at King's Arms Tavern in Colonial Williamsburg

Fountain outside Jamestown Historic area

10 - A fast trip home from Williamsburg, and a crying baby when we got home.  Thankful for tears because when he finally calmed down, realizing Mommy and Daddy were home, the smiles were HUGE and the cuddles were much needed
11 - All the men and women who have served our country.  Especially thankful for all my family members who have served, and the spouses and children who served at home.
12 - Snowflakes, even just a few, to distract myself and my students.
13 - A job that I can come to every day, and a mission field that can be so difficult.  I love my students, and hate what education has become, but thankful that I can come into this place everyday and try to be a consistent face for some of my students who have no consistency in their life.

work...planning...trying to find time to tach

14 - A laughing fit with a class for a good 15 minutes.  A great way to relieve some of the tension of school
15 - Homemade pizza and adult beverages.  A night at home, catching up on missed television shows.
16 - An unexpected check in the mail, that way we can have dinner with friends on Thursday evening and not have to "borrow" from next week's food budget or the savings account
17 - FABULOUS children's ministry at church.  I know I can drop Little Man off and not have to worry about his well being while I help with older students and worship myself
18 - A beautiful day outside so that my failed lab doesn't stink us completely out of the classroom...and the fact that the guy next door was being observed, meaning I am off the hook today.

Seems I have caught up...for now.  It makes me a little sad that for just one month, I can't take 5 minutes to think about what I've been thankful for thday day.  I have plenty of time to check Facebook statuses, Tweets and Instagrams pictures, but I just "don't seem to have enough time" for reflecting on what really matters.  This has to change.  My attitude has to change about work, and money and life in general.

Blueberry Cake

As Paul and I were preparing for our wedding, the church required that we go through a mentoring program before we could get married in the church.  We had a wonderful couple who we still run into and have a wonderful time chatting with when we do see them.  Every week Sharon would make some sort of dessert for us to have during our time together, and one week she made a wonderful blueberry cake.  She explained to us that the recipe actually came from her neighbor who is now blind, but who would make this fantastic cake for them on occasion.  Sharon was kind enough to share the recipe with me, and I have since made it numerous times for various occasions.  Most recently Paul and I had to bring breakfast for Sunday School, so I decided I was going to make the blueberry cake.

Everyone at Sunday School loved the cake, and Little Man loves it too!

Today Little Man tried to lick the plate because he enjoyed it so much.

Blueberry Cake

1 cup softened butter

2 cups sugar

4 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla

3 cups flour

1 pint blueberries

Cream butter and sugar.  Lightly beat the eggs and mix them with the butter/sugar mixture.  Add vanilla and mix well.  Reserve 1/4 cup flour, add remaining flour to sugar mixture.  Dredge blueberries with reserved flour and fold into sugar/flour mixture.  Pour into a greased fluted pan and bake at 375 for 1 hour.  Dust top with powdered sugar once removed from pan.

Chocolate Peanut Butter Chip Bars

This dessert is one of Paul's favorites, and one his mom makes fairly frequently during the summer.  Today we were talking, and I mentioned that I wondered how they would taste as chocolate peanut butter chips bars.  This led to an impromptu trip to the grocery store to pick up the necessary ingredients and the experimentation could begin.  Frankly I have been thinking that the recipe could be modified some for a while now, but have come to realize that there are some things that are sacred when it comes to recipes we have been given.  I was super excited when Paul wanted to modify the recipe slightly, gives me the chance to take some tried and true recipes and make them my own.

Chocolate Chip Bars

1 package yellow (or white) cake mix
1/4 cup water
2 eggs
1/4 cup soft butter
1/4 cup brown sugar
1 package chocolate chips

Combine cake mix, water, eggs, butter, and brown sugar.  Stir in chocolate chips.  Bake in a jellyroll pan in a 375 degree oven for 20-25 minutes.

Chocolate Zucchini Bread

Last summer we ended up with an over-abundance of zucchini, so I had to find a way to use some of it.  We are fans of breakfast breads, well actually bread in general, and so I was on a search for a zucchini bread recipe.  I found this recipe from the Joy of Baking, and started shredding zucchini.  As I was making the bread the first time, I realized that there were some ingredients that we either didn't have, or that I couldn't find, so I made some emergency substitutions, and we LOVED it.  We liked it so much that I decided to make it again, this time, with the original ingredients, and while it was good, it just wasn't the same.  So what made the bread so magical?  My secret ingredients...

 

That's right, Nesquik and Hershey's bars.  I found that there was no stopping a pregnant woman on a mission and I REALLY wanted to make this zucchini bread.  Partially because I was sick of seeing MULTIPLE zucchini sitting on the counter, partially because I was excited about finding a way to "hide" the zucchini in some yummy chocolate bread.

We did make the bread according to the recipe, once the "babybrain" subsided a little and I placed my fingers on the cocoa powder, and frankly, we just didn't like it as much.

Nesquik Zucchini Bread

1 1/2 to 2 cups shredded raw zucchini
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup Nesquik
3/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
2 Hershey bars chopped
2 large eggs
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup packed light brown sugar
1 teaspoons vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350.  Grease a loaf pan.

Grate zucchini and set aside.

In a large bowl, whisk together flour, Nesquik, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon.  Mix in chocolate.

In mixing bowl, beat the eggs, add oil, sugars, and vanilla extract.  Mix until well blended.  Add zucchini and mix well.  Slowly add the flour mixture and blend until combined.  Scrape the batter into the prepared pan and bake until the bread has risen and a toothpick is inserted into the center and comes out clean (55-65 minutes).  Place on a wire rack to cool for about 10 minutes, then remove the bread from the pan and cool completely.

This can be stored at room temperature for a few days, but in our house, we are lucky if it lasts to the second day.

Morning Refections

This morning has been particularly difficult for me, knowing that in just about a month I head back to school, in a couple weeks Little Man will go to his new daycare for the first time, and that I will no longer be able to spend my days watching him grow and experience new things.  The last few weeks have been such a blessing because I have been able to hang out at home with Little Man and watch him develop into a joyful little guy who is stubborn, determined and brings a smile to just about everyone's face, even when he is screaming.

Yesterday was one of those days.  Tuesday he broke his third tooth, an upper tooth, and the other three up there are days away from breaking through his gums, making for a sore little guy who only knows how to tell me he is in pain by screaming.  I so wanted to be able to take that pain from him yesterday, and knew that there was not much I could do other than try to comfort him and redirect his attention to other things.  And this is one of those things that breaks my heart about going back to work.  I won't be the one who is able to do that for him during the day, that will be the responsibility of someone else.  Don't get me wrong, we are so thankful for the placement that we have for Little Man and are very pleased with the facility and the staff that will be working with him, but it is new and unfamiliar territory for us right now.  When I went back to work in January, Little Man's Godparents watched him during the day.  I knew he was in wonderful hands, and the people watching him are like family to us.  This fall is a completely different situation.  He will no longer be in the home and arms of people we know so well and who we know love Little Man.  He will be in very capable hands of providers at the Child Development Center on Post, he will be cared for, he will play with other children close to his age, and Paul will be able to visit him during lunch, but it's not the same.  I know that at this season in his life, this is where Little Man needs to be.  It is still our goal that I stay home with him and teach him, and we are taking steps toward making that goal a reality, it just isn't reality yet.

Letting go is hard.  Knowing that Little Man will be receiving excellent care helps a little.  I know that part of my hesitation and anxiety stems from work and the fact that every day last spring I had to convince myself to get out of the car and walk through the doors at work.  When someone asks if I love my job I can honestly tell them no.  Do I still love teaching and working with students? Yes.  Do I still like the people that I teach with?  Yes.  Do I like my administration? No.  Do I agree with their decision?  Most of the time, no.  Are there days when I would rather stay home and snuggle with Little Man?  Yes, in fact those days are more frequent than I would like to admit.  My heart isn't in it 100% anymore and I realize that.  I still love watching the kids have an "ah ha" moment, when everything clicks.  I love watching those struggling students start to succeed and really start to think that they can do it.  I love hearing about where my graduates are and how they are succeeding, and my heart goes out to those who aren't doing as well as we all thought they might.  I still root for the underdog, the one everyone this is a failure, and I live for the smiles when students do better than even they expected.  I am fed up with the education system in the US.  I fear the fact that student performance is linked to my pay and evaluation.  I hate the fact that I often feel as though I am standing alone, and there is no one to advocate for me.  I am tired of being told that I don't know how to teach science by former football coaches, history teachers, and people who haven't sat in a science class for at least 15 years.  I am tired of being told that teaching math so the kids can do science isn't my job, but that I have to incorporate common core (math and reading) into each lesson.

I am going into this school year knowing that it is going to be a challenge, and accepting that challenging.  Balancing Mom, Wife and Mrs. Lilley is going to be a challenge unlike the one I experienced last year due to the new demands placed on me at work.  I am going back to work confident that Little Man is going to be taken care of, challenged to grow, and in the right place.  Does any of this make the transition any easier?  Absolutely not, but I have a wonderful support system at home, and I know that we are a team.  My administration does not know that family comes first, and that if the opportunity arises for me to be able to focus on my family, that I won't let it go.  I know that I will be able to work with youth in some capacity, and I don't think that I am done working with teens, but I do see this season of my life coming to an end.  The end is unclear, but there is a sense that it is coming.  While I am saddened by it, I can't help but remember Ecclesiastes 3:1,  "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."