This morning has been particularly difficult for me, knowing that in just about a month I head back to school, in a couple weeks Little Man will go to his new daycare for the first time, and that I will no longer be able to spend my days watching him grow and experience new things. The last few weeks have been such a blessing because I have been able to hang out at home with Little Man and watch him develop into a joyful little guy who is stubborn, determined and brings a smile to just about everyone's face, even when he is screaming.
Yesterday was one of those days. Tuesday he broke his third tooth, an upper tooth, and the other three up there are days away from breaking through his gums, making for a sore little guy who only knows how to tell me he is in pain by screaming. I so wanted to be able to take that pain from him yesterday, and knew that there was not much I could do other than try to comfort him and redirect his attention to other things. And this is one of those things that breaks my heart about going back to work. I won't be the one who is able to do that for him during the day, that will be the responsibility of someone else. Don't get me wrong, we are so thankful for the placement that we have for Little Man and are very pleased with the facility and the staff that will be working with him, but it is new and unfamiliar territory for us right now. When I went back to work in January, Little Man's Godparents watched him during the day. I knew he was in wonderful hands, and the people watching him are like family to us. This fall is a completely different situation. He will no longer be in the home and arms of people we know so well and who we know love Little Man. He will be in very capable hands of providers at the Child Development Center on Post, he will be cared for, he will play with other children close to his age, and Paul will be able to visit him during lunch, but it's not the same. I know that at this season in his life, this is where Little Man needs to be. It is still our goal that I stay home with him and teach him, and we are taking steps toward making that goal a reality, it just isn't reality yet.
Letting go is hard. Knowing that Little Man will be receiving excellent care helps a little. I know that part of my hesitation and anxiety stems from work and the fact that every day last spring I had to convince myself to get out of the car and walk through the doors at work. When someone asks if I love my job I can honestly tell them no. Do I still love teaching and working with students? Yes. Do I still like the people that I teach with? Yes. Do I like my administration? No. Do I agree with their decision? Most of the time, no. Are there days when I would rather stay home and snuggle with Little Man? Yes, in fact those days are more frequent than I would like to admit. My heart isn't in it 100% anymore and I realize that. I still love watching the kids have an "ah ha" moment, when everything clicks. I love watching those struggling students start to succeed and really start to think that they can do it. I love hearing about where my graduates are and how they are succeeding, and my heart goes out to those who aren't doing as well as we all thought they might. I still root for the underdog, the one everyone this is a failure, and I live for the smiles when students do better than even they expected. I am fed up with the education system in the US. I fear the fact that student performance is linked to my pay and evaluation. I hate the fact that I often feel as though I am standing alone, and there is no one to advocate for me. I am tired of being told that I don't know how to teach science by former football coaches, history teachers, and people who haven't sat in a science class for at least 15 years. I am tired of being told that teaching math so the kids can do science isn't my job, but that I have to incorporate common core (math and reading) into each lesson.
I am going into this school year knowing that it is going to be a challenge, and accepting that challenging. Balancing Mom, Wife and Mrs. Lilley is going to be a challenge unlike the one I experienced last year due to the new demands placed on me at work. I am going back to work confident that Little Man is going to be taken care of, challenged to grow, and in the right place. Does any of this make the transition any easier? Absolutely not, but I have a wonderful support system at home, and I know that we are a team. My administration does not know that family comes first, and that if the opportunity arises for me to be able to focus on my family, that I won't let it go. I know that I will be able to work with youth in some capacity, and I don't think that I am done working with teens, but I do see this season of my life coming to an end. The end is unclear, but there is a sense that it is coming. While I am saddened by it, I can't help but remember Ecclesiastes 3:1, "There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens."
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